


It Was Like Drowning

by 8abyeojin



Category: K-pop, ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, almost suicide, platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 17:13:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20727851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8abyeojin/pseuds/8abyeojin
Summary: When Yeo Hwanwoong's thoughts get the best of him, he finally reaches the end of his ability to cope.





	It Was Like Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> This is triggering. There is no death, but there is an almost attempt and there's depressive thoughts. This is really just me projecting mostly. Hope it helps anyone.

Breathe in, breathe out. They tell you to do that for panic attacks, to practice breathing exercises and meditate, but how the hell was Hwanwoong supposed to do that when he felt like his world was crumbling down on him?

It's not like he was panting or hyperventilating, he was just... sitting there. Spaced out, staring at a white wall. Imagining how his friends' lives would look without him. Surely they'd all be happier, right? Considering Hwanwoong was such a burden.

"I seriously can't take this anymore." He said, calmly, quietly out into the air. He thought maybe if he said it out loud, he'd find it ridiculous. That he could handle more. But it was the truth, he couldn't take it anymore.

He ran his hands through his hair and stood up, pacing around the small room. Creaking, the wooden floorboards were a dead giveaway of Hwanwoong's overwhelming anxiety.

_ It's like I'm drowning but the end never comes. _

That's exactly what it felt like. He could breathe, but it was hard. He wasn't dead, but he felt like he would be soon. It was hard to move, hard to think about anything other than how his week went.

He didn't think the other boys cared, he'd voiced his problems once, but realized how much the others have their own problems, so he stayed quiet. He gave his big toothy grin whenever they cracked jokes, and he went in to every dance practice on time and left with the other boys, but in his room he'd sit and just... stare. For minutes, hours. He'd run out of tears long alone. 

_ What was the use in crying when nothing could be done? _

It was over. The notes he left to the boys in the common space, each individual and one collective voiced it all perfectly. The room tidy and cleaned up, even some clothes donated to the shelter beforehand. A small giving of his items to each member and his family was in the collective note. All that was left was to do the deed.

The rest of the boys were at the practice studio, it was just one day Hwanwoong didn't come to practice, the boys thought. No need to worry.

Hwanwoong grabbed a bag full of items for his deed, and took a last glance at his dorm. They'd miss him, of course, but they don't know that they'll be better off without Hwanwoong holding them back. He walked out of the door, taking no look back. It was for the best.

Walking along a dirt path to the bridge, he finally took a couple deep breaths. And began to sing.

_ Life will eventually become a memory, _

_ Even the painful moments are memories. _

He walked up to the bridge, the heavy backpack strapped to him just in case.

_ Why did I not know? _

_ Why did it hurt? No no no. _

He swung his limber legs over the railing and sat for a moment.

It's not that he wanted to die by any means, he was just tired. Tired of feeling lost. Like he had to be perfect, please his parents, support his members. He felt like he was never going to find love, be happy. He felt like he was losing it, slowly, and was taking his friends down with him. So he had to do this.

By this point, Hwanwoong is sobbing. 

"I don't want to die. I don't want to. God, why is everything like this? Why can't I just be happy? Why am I such a fucking failure?" He rambled on and on, procrastinating his impending doom by just moments. In the middle of this rant however, he hears a familiar voice shouting at him.

"Hwanwoong! Oh my God, guys he's here! I found him!" He heard Seoho yell into his phone at the other members. 

"Stop, Seoho! Stop there!" Hwanwoong shouted, voice garbled over the heavy sobs racking his chest.

"Hwanwoong, please! Please get down from there! God, please get down from there, Woongie!" Seoho began to cry, stopping dead in his tracks so as not to startle Hwanwoong.

"Why? You read the notes, I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere! I can't take it, Gunminie... It's like everywhere I go, I never fit! I'm so isolated." 

"Hwanwoong, you are so wrong. The boys and I read those letters and we all disagree. You are so unbelievably talented, you dance like a god and you have the voice of an angel. You're so beautiful. You make us all feel happier and warmer on cold days, I'm sorry we haven't been able to do that for you." Seoho crept slowly to Hwanwoong, the other boy barely noticing as he wept.

"You say that now, but-"

"Hwanwoong, listen to me. Don't listen to your head right now, it's wrong. Listen to me, listen to the boys, please.  _ We all need you. _ "

With those words, Seoho was already close enough to grab Hwanwoong and Hwanwoong moved forward and fell into Seoho's arms, bawling into his sweatshirt.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I make everything worse. I'm sorry." He kept repeating, while squeezing his arms around Seoho's torso.

Seoho just kissed the top of his brother's head, and rubbed his back, sitting on the beaten dirt and stone path joggers had forged.

"It's okay, Woongie. We're gonna get you some help. It's okay."


End file.
